BITCHology

Monday, August 23, 2010

a woman's remote control

Proof that Men Have Better Friends...

........Friendship among Women:
A woman didn't come home one night. The next morning
She told her husband that she had slept over at a
friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best
Friends. None of them knew anything about it.

Friendship among Men:
A man didn't come home one night. The next morning he
Told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's
House. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends.
Eight confirmed that he had slept over, and
Two said he was still there

Qoutable qoutes

"Whatever you give a woman, she will make greater. If you give her sperm, she'll give you a baby. If you give her a house, she'll give you a home. If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal. If you give her a smile, she'll give you her heart. She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her. So, if you give her any crap, be ready to receive a ton of shit." - Sanura

“Life is one fool thing after another whereas love is two fool things after each other.” - Oscar Wilde

"Marriage is give and take. You'd better give it to her or she'll take it anyway." - Joey Adams

Handle every situation like a dog ....If you can't Eat it or Screw it, Piss on it and Walk Away.
— Prolly the dog

"He gave me nothing, and he took it with him when he left." — unknown

When you say "I can't", you actually mean "I don't want to". — Guru Smaran

Men get laid, but women get screwed. - Quentin Crisp (English writer)

If you can make a girl laugh, You can make her do anything.-Marilyn Monroe

Here's to you and here's to me, and I hope we never disagree. But, if that should ever be, to HELL with you, here's to ME!— unknown

Sex is like snow... You never know how many inches you're going to get or how long it will last. — unknown

Nobody knows the age of the human race, but everybody agrees that it is old enough to know better.— Anonymous

Let us now set forth one of the fundamental truths about marriage: the wife is in charge. — Bill Cosby

The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age. - Lucille Ball

Run for office? No. I've slept with too many women, I've done too many drugs, and I've been to too many parties. — George Clooney

Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer. — Swami X

Love is the irresistible desire to be irresistibly desired. — ~Mark Twain~

LOVE IS...
Running into his arms
Colliding with his heart
And exploding into his soul.
— unknown

Let us leave pretty women to men with no imagination. - -Marcel Proust

Women can be the most vicious creatures of this world and yet they are the most gentle angels in Life.— -Bryan

If you want something said ask a man;if you want something done, ask a woman. - Margaret Thatcher

Women are like tea bags, You never know how strong they really are until you put them in hot water.
— Nancy Reagan

"Avoiding the phrase 'I don't have time...', will soon help you to realize that you do have the time needed for just about anything you choose to accomplish in life." - Bo Bennett, author

"No doubt exists that all women are crazy, it's only a question of degree." - W.C. Fields

Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If they aren't there the first time, chances are you won't be needing them again.

I don't have an attitude problem, you have a perception problem.

Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level, then beat you with experience.

of beer and men

"To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a 'support group.' Salvation in a can!" - Leo Durocher

"Remember "I" before "E", except in Budweiser." — Professor Irwin Corey

"Beer: helping ugly people have sex since 3000 B.C." - WC Fields

"Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza." - Dave Barry

"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy." - Benjamin Franklin

"When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let's all get drunk and go to heaven! - George Bernard Shaw

"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading." - Paul Hornung

"An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools." - Ernest Hemingway

"Sometimes when I reflect on all the beer I drink, I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. I think, "It is better to drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver." - Babe Ruth

God, satan and HMOs

In the beginning God populated the earth with broccoli and cauliflower and spinach, green and yellow and red vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives. Then using God's great gifts, Satan created Ben and Jerry's and Krispy Creme. And Satan said, "You want chocolate with that?" And man said "Yea." And woman said, "And another one with sprinkles." And they gained 10 pounds.

And God created the healthful yogurt that woman might keep the figure that man found so fair. And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat, and sugar from the cane, and combined them. And woman went from size 2 to size 6.

So God said, "Try my fresh green salad." And Satan presented Thousand Island Dressing and garlic toast on the side. And man and woman unfastened their belts following the repast.

God then said, "I have sent you heart healthy vegetables and olive oil in which to cook them." And Satan brought forth deep fried fish and chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter. And man gained more weight and his cholesterol went through the roof.

God then brought running shoes so that his children might lose those extra pounds. And Satan gave cable TV with a remote control so Man would not have to toil changing the channels. And man and woman laughed and cried before the flickering light and gained pounds.

Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition. And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fried them and man gained pounds. God then gave lean beef so that man might consume fewer calories and still satisfy his appetite. And Satan created McDonald's and it's 99-cent double cheeseburger. Then said, "You want fries with that?" and man replied, "Yea! And super size'em." And Satan said "It is good." and man went into cardiac arrest.

God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.

And Satan created HMO's.

the last flight

On a transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful. things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning. One woman in particular loses it. Screaming, she stands up in front of the plane.

"I'm too young to die!" she wails. "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on Earth to be memorable! I've had plenty of sex in my life, but no one has ever made me really feel like a woman! Well, I've had it! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?"

For a moment, there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril and they all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane. Then, a man stands up in the rear of the plane.

"I can make you feel like a woman," he says. He's gorgeous. Tall, built, with long, flowing black hair and jet black eyes, he starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt one button at a time. No one moves. The woman is breathing heavily in anticipation as the stranger approaches. He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his chest as he reaches her. He extends the arm holding his shirt to the trembling woman, and he whispers: "Iron this."

kids...

Children really brighten up a household - they never turn the lights off.
When children are doing nothing, they are doing mischief.
The trouble with children is that they're not returnable.
We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
Kids.
They're not easy. But there has to be some penalty for sex.

Five tips for a woman....

1. It is important that a man helps you around the house and has a job.
2. It is important that a man makes you laugh.
3. It is important to find a man you can count on and doesn't lie to you.
4. It is important that a man loves you and spoils you.
5. It is important that these four men don't know each other.