BITCHology

a woman's remote control

2010-08-23T21:43:00.001-07:00

Proof that Men Have Better Friends...

2010-08-23T21:25:00.001-07:00

........Friendship among Women:
A woman didn't come home one night. The next morning
She told her husband that she had slept over at a
friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best
Friends. None of them knew anything about it.

Friendship among Men:
A man didn't come home one night. The next morning he
Told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's
House. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends.
Eight confirmed that he had slept over, and
Two said he was still there

Qoutable qoutes

2010-08-23T21:20:00.001-07:00

"Whatever you give a woman, she will make greater. If you give her sperm, she'll give you a baby. If you give her a house, she'll give you a home. If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal. If you give her a smile, she'll give you her heart. She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her. So, if you give her any crap, be ready to receive a ton of shit." - Sanura

“Life is one fool thing after another whereas love is two fool things after each other.” - Oscar Wilde

"Marriage is give and take. You'd better give it to her or she'll take it anyway." - Joey Adams

Handle every situation like a dog ....If you can't Eat it or Screw it, Piss on it and Walk Away.
— Prolly the dog

"He gave me nothing, and he took it with him when he left." — unknown

When you say "I can't", you actually mean "I don't want to". — Guru Smaran

Men get laid, but women get screwed. - Quentin Crisp (English writer)

If you can make a girl laugh, You can make her do anything.-Marilyn Monroe

Here's to you and here's to me, and I hope we never disagree. But, if that should ever be, to HELL with you, here's to ME!— unknown

Sex is like snow... You never know how many inches you're going to get or how long it will last. — unknown

Nobody knows the age of the human race, but everybody agrees that it is old enough to know better.— Anonymous

Let us now set forth one of the fundamental truths about marriage: the wife is in charge. — Bill Cosby

The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age. - Lucille Ball

Run for office? No. I've slept with too many women, I've done too many drugs, and I've been to too many parties. — George Clooney

Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer. — Swami X

Love is the irresistible desire to be irresistibly desired. — ~Mark Twain~

LOVE IS...
Running into his arms
Colliding with his heart
And exploding into his soul.
— unknown

Let us leave pretty women to men with no imagination. - -Marcel Proust

Women can be the most vicious creatures of this world and yet they are the most gentle angels in Life.— -Bryan

If you want something said ask a man;if you want something done, ask a woman. - Margaret Thatcher

Women are like tea bags, You never know how strong they really are until you put them in hot water.
— Nancy Reagan

"Avoiding the phrase 'I don't have time...', will soon help you to realize that you do have the time needed for just about anything you choose to accomplish in life." - Bo Bennett, author

"No doubt exists that all women are crazy, it's only a question of degree." - W.C. Fields

Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If they aren't there the first time, chances are you won't be needing them again.

I don't have an attitude problem, you have a perception problem.

Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level, then beat you with experience.

of beer and men

2010-08-23T20:55:00.000-07:00

"To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a 'support group.' Salvation in a can!" - Leo Durocher

"Remember "I" before "E", except in Budweiser." — Professor Irwin Corey

"Beer: helping ugly people have sex since 3000 B.C." - WC Fields

"Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza." - Dave Barry

"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy." - Benjamin Franklin

"When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let's all get drunk and go to heaven! - George Bernard Shaw

"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading." - Paul Hornung

"An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools." - Ernest Hemingway

"Sometimes when I reflect on all the beer I drink, I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. I think, "It is better to drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver." - Babe Ruth

God, satan and HMOs

2010-08-23T20:42:00.000-07:00

In the beginning God populated the earth with broccoli and cauliflower and spinach, green and yellow and red vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives. Then using God's great gifts, Satan created Ben and Jerry's and Krispy Creme. And Satan said, "You want chocolate with that?" And man said "Yea." And woman said, "And another one with sprinkles." And they gained 10 pounds.

And God created the healthful yogurt that woman might keep the figure that man found so fair. And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat, and sugar from the cane, and combined them. And woman went from size 2 to size 6.

So God said, "Try my fresh green salad." And Satan presented Thousand Island Dressing and garlic toast on the side. And man and woman unfastened their belts following the repast.

God then said, "I have sent you heart healthy vegetables and olive oil in which to cook them." And Satan brought forth deep fried fish and chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter. And man gained more weight and his cholesterol went through the roof.

God then brought running shoes so that his children might lose those extra pounds. And Satan gave cable TV with a remote control so Man would not have to toil changing the channels. And man and woman laughed and cried before the flickering light and gained pounds.

Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition. And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fried them and man gained pounds. God then gave lean beef so that man might consume fewer calories and still satisfy his appetite. And Satan created McDonald's and it's 99-cent double cheeseburger. Then said, "You want fries with that?" and man replied, "Yea! And super size'em." And Satan said "It is good." and man went into cardiac arrest.

God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.

And Satan created HMO's.

the last flight

2010-08-23T20:38:00.000-07:00

On a transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful. things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning. One woman in particular loses it. Screaming, she stands up in front of the plane.

"I'm too young to die!" she wails. "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on Earth to be memorable! I've had plenty of sex in my life, but no one has ever made me really feel like a woman! Well, I've had it! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?"

For a moment, there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril and they all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane. Then, a man stands up in the rear of the plane.

"I can make you feel like a woman," he says. He's gorgeous. Tall, built, with long, flowing black hair and jet black eyes, he starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt one button at a time. No one moves. The woman is breathing heavily in anticipation as the stranger approaches. He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his chest as he reaches her. He extends the arm holding his shirt to the trembling woman, and he whispers: "Iron this."

kids...

2010-08-23T20:27:00.001-07:00

Children really brighten up a household - they never turn the lights off.
When children are doing nothing, they are doing mischief.
The trouble with children is that they're not returnable.
We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
Kids.
They're not easy. But there has to be some penalty for sex.

Five tips for a woman....

2010-08-23T19:43:00.001-07:00

1. It is important that a man helps you around the house and has a job.
2. It is important that a man makes you laugh.
3. It is important to find a man you can count on and doesn't lie to you.
4. It is important that a man loves you and spoils you.
5. It is important that these four men don't know each other.

Perfect Guy

2010-08-19T02:18:00.000-07:00

a real man

2010-08-18T22:07:00.000-07:00

“A real man doesn’t make love to a million women. A real man makes love to one women a million ways.”

“A woman isn't complete without a man. But where do you find a man - a real man - these days?” -Lauren Bacall

Chemical analysis of human elements

2010-07-19T19:41:00.000-07:00

Element name: WOMAN.
Symbol: WO.

Atomic weight: 'Don't even go there'.
Physical properties: Generally round in form. Boils at nothing and may freeze at any time. Melts whenever treated properly. Very bitter if not used well.

Chemical properties: Very active. Highly unstable. Possesses strong affinity to gold, silver, platinum,and precious gemstones. Violent when left alone. Able to absorb great amounts of exotic food. Turns
slightly green when placed next to a better specimen.

Usage: Highly ornamental. An extremely good catalyst for dispersion of wealth. Probably the most powerful income reducing agent known.

Caution: Highly explosive in inexperienced hands.

Element: MAN.
Symbol: XY.

Atomic weight: (180 +/- 50).

Physical properties: Solid at room temperature. Gets bent out of shape easily. Fairly dense and sometimes flaky. Difficult to find a pure sample. Due to age and rust, older samples are unable to conduct electricity as well as younger samples.

Chemical properties: Attempts to bond with WO any chance it can get. Also tends to form strong bonds with itself. Becomes explosive when mixed with Kd (child) for prolonged periods of time. Can be neutralised by saturating with alcohol.

Usage: None known. Possibly good methane source.

Caution: In the absence of WO, this element rapidly decomposes and begins to smell.

The husband

2010-06-26T20:54:00.000-07:00

A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home. He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed:
"Dear Lord: I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely stays at home.

I want her to know what I go through, so please allow her body to switch with mine for a day. Amen."

God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish. The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman.

He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate, awakened the kids,set out their school clothes, fed them breakfast, packed their lunches,drove them to school.

Came home and picked up the dry cleaning, took it to the cleaners and stopped at the bank to make a deposit, went grocery shopping,then drove home to put away the roceries.

Paid the bills and balanced the checkbook.

He cleaned the cat's litter box and bathed the dog.

Then it was already 1 P.M. and he hurried to make the beds, do the laundry, vacuum, dust, and sweep and mop the kitchen floor.

Ran to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument with them on the way home.

Set out milk and cookies and got the kids organized to do their homework. Then set up the ironing boardand watched TV while he did the ironing.

At 4:30 he began peeling potatoes and washing vegetables for salad,breaded thepork chops and snapped fresh beans for supper.

After supper, he cleaned the kitchen, ran the dishwasher, folded laundry, bathed the kids, and put them to bed. At 9 P.M. he was exhausted and, though his daily chores weren't finished, he went to bed where he was expected to make love, which he managed to get through without complaint.

The next morning, he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said:
"Lord,I don't know what I was thinking. I was so wrong to envy my wife's being
able to stay home all day. Please, oh please, let us trade back."

The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied:
"My son, I feel you have learned your lesson and I will be happy to change things back to the way they were. You'll just have to wait nine months, though. You got pregnant last night."

Reindeer

2010-06-22T19:34:00.000-07:00

According to the Alaskan Department of Fish and game, while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year, male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid December. Female reindeer retain their antlers 'till after they give birth in the spring.

Therefore, according to every historical rendition depicting Santa's reindeer, every single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen had to be a girl.

We should've known! Only women would be able to drag a fat man in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night, and NOT GET LOST.

Top Ten Reasons Eve Was Created

2010-05-30T22:10:00.000-07:00

10. God was worried that Adam would frequently become lost in the garden because he would not ask for directions.

9. God knew that one day Adam would require someone to locate and hand him the remote.

8. God knew Adam would never go out and buy himself a new fig leaf when his wore out and would therefore need Eve to buy one for him.

7. God knew Adam would never be able to make a doctor's, dentist, or haircut appointment for himself.

6. God knew Adam would never remember which night to put he garbage on the curb.

5. God knew if the world was to be populated, men would never be able to handle the pain and discomfort of childbearing.

4. As the Keeper of the Garden, Adam would never remember where he left his tools.

3. Apparently, Adam needed someone to blame his troubles on when God caught him hiding in the garden.

2. As the Bible says, It is not good for man to be alone!

And finally, the Number 1 reason why God created Eve . .

1. When God finished the creation of Adam, He stepped back, scratched his head, and said, "I can do better than that."

Men are like...

2010-05-15T21:57:00.000-07:00

Men are like.....Placemats. They only show up when there's food on the table.

Men are like.....Mascara. They usually run at the first sign of emotion.

Men are like.....Bike helmets. Handy in an emergency, but otherwise they
just look silly.

Men are like.....Government bonds. They take so long to mature.

Men are like.....Lava lamps. Fun to look at, but not all that bright.

Men are like.....Bank accounts. Without a lot of money, they don't generate much interest.

Men are like.....High heels. They're easy to walk on once you get the hang of it.

Funny Bumper Stickers about Men

2010-05-14T21:54:00.000-07:00

All Men Are Animals, Some Just Make Better Pets

Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs.

Grow your own dope, plant a man.

All men are idiots....I married their king.

Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.

Smile

2010-05-13T21:16:00.000-07:00

1. Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels good.

2. Talk is cheap because supply exceeds the demand.

3. Love is grand; divorce is a hundred grand.

4. Even if you are on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there.

5. Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They both should be changed regularly and for the same reason.

6. It's easier to fight for ones' principles than to live up to them.

7. I don't mind going anywhere as long as it's an interesting path.

8. Anything free is worth what you pay for it.

9. It hurts to be on the cutting edge.

10. If it ain't broke, fix it till it is.

11. I don't get even, I get older.

12. In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday.

13. Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.

14. I am a nutritional overachiever.

15. My inferiority complex is not as good as yours.

16. I am having an out of money experience.

17. I am in shape. round is a shape.

18. Practice safe eating - always use condiments.

19. A day without sunshine is like night.
20. If marriage were outlawed, only outlaws would have in-laws.

21. Life is an endless struggle full of frustrations and challenges, but eventually you find a hair stylist you like.

22. The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.

23. Time may be a great healer, but it's also a lousy beautician.

24. Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.

25. You don't stop laughing because you grow old, you grow old because you stopped laughing.

Pickup line responses

2010-05-11T21:15:00.000-07:00

These are suggestions for women responding to pick up lines…

Male: If I could rearrange the alphabet, I’d put I and U together
Female: Oh really, because if I could rearrange the alphabet, I’d put F and U
together.

Male: Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?
Female: did it hurt when they kicked you out of hell?

He says “Where have you been all my life”
She says “Hiding from you….how the hell did you find me?”

Male: I would die for you…
Female: Prove it

‘Male: I’m all you’ve got good lookin’
Female: then I must not have alot

Male: Haven’t I seen you someplace before?
Female: Yeah, that’s why I don’t go there anymore

Male: So what do you do for a living?
Female: Female impersonator.

Male: “Is this seat empty?”
Female: “Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down.”

Male: “So, wanna go back to my place?”
Female: “Well, I don’t know. Will two people fit under a rock?”

Male: “I’d like to call you. What’s your number?”
Female: “It’s in the phone book.”

Male: “But I don’t know your name.”
Female: “That’s in the phone book too.”

“What sign were you born under?”
“No Parking.”

“I know how to please a woman.”
“Then please leave me alone.”

“Haven’t we met before?”
“Yes, I’m the receptionist at the V.D. Clinic.”

“I want to give myself to you.”
“Sorry, I don’t accept cheap gifts.”

“I can tell that you want me.”
“Ohhhh. You’re so right. I want you… to leave.”

“Hey, baby, What’s your sign?”
“Stop.”

“Hey cutie, how ’bout you and I hitting the hot spots?”
“Sorry, I don’t date outside my species.”

“May I see you pretty soon?”
“Why? Don’t you think I’m pretty now?”

“Your body is like a temple.”
“Sorry, there are no services today.”

“I’d go through anything for you.”
“Good! Let’s start with your bank account.”

“I would go to the end of the world for you.”
“Yes, but would you stay there?”

“Your place or mine?”
“Both. You go to yours and I’ll go to mine.”

After hearing a pickup line:
I like your approach, now let’s see your departure.

If you are looking at a girl and she says “What are you looking at?”
say “I thought you were good looking, but I was mistaken.”

Does beauty run in your family?
It obviously doesn’t in yours!

What’s your name sexy?
Taken!

Do you believe in love at first sight or do you want me to walk by again?
Yeah, but this time don’t stop!

I think you’re the best looking girl in here.
Really? Well, I’d better go find the best looking guy then, hadn’t I!

Your legs go clear up to your ass.
Most peoples’ do!

Can I buy you a drink?
Go ahead, but only if you buy my boyfriend one too!

“You look like a dream.”
Response: “Go back to sleep.”

What`s it like being the most beautiful girl in the bar?
What`s it like being the biggest liar in the world?

“I can see forever in your eyes.”
“But all I can see is never in yours.”

‘”I looked up beautiful in the thesaurus today and your name was included.”
“Thanks! Hey, I saw your name next to jerk.”

Male / Female Translator

2010-05-01T21:07:00.000-07:00

WOMEN’S ENGLISH

Yes = No
No = Yes

Maybe = No
I’m sorry = You’ll be sorry

We need = I want
It’s your decision = The correct decision should be obvious

Do what you want = You’ll pay for this later
We need to talk = I need to complain

Sure, go ahead = I don’t want you to do that
I’m not upset = Of course I’m upset

You’re so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot
Be romantic and turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs

This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house
I want new curtains = I want new curtains, carpeting, furniture, and wallpaper

I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep
Do you love me? = I want something expensive

How much do you love me? = I did something terrible today
I’ll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV

You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me

MEN’S ENGLISH

I’m hungry = I’m hungry
I’m sleepy = I’m sleepy

I’m tired = I’m tired
Do you want to go to a movie? = I’d like to have sex with you

Can I take you out to dinner? = I’d like to have sex with you
Can I call you sometime? = I’d like to have sex with you

May I have this dance? = I’d like to have sex with you
Nice dress! = Nice tits!

You look tense = I want to fondle you
What’s wrong? = What self-inflicted psychological trauma is it this time?

What’s wrong? = I’m guessing sex is out of the question
I’m bored = Would you like to fuck?

I love you = I’d like to fuck right now
I love you, too = I really want to fuck

Let’s talk = I’d like to show you my emotional depth as a prelude to sex
Will you marry me? = I really enjoy having sex with you

Smart, eh?

2010-04-10T21:05:00.000-07:00

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident; it’s a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt.

After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, “Wow, just look at our cars! There’s nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days.”

The man replied, “I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God!”

The woman continued, “And look at this, here’s another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn’t break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune.”

Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it, drinks half the bottle, and extends it back to the woman.

Politely, the woman refuses to accept the bottle.

The man asks, “Aren’t you having any?”

The woman replies, “No. I think I’ll just wait for the police…”

Who was first?

2010-04-04T20:58:00.000-07:00

One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve called out to God…”Lord, I have a problem!”

“What’s the problem, Eve?”

“Lord, I know you’ve created me and have provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, and that hilarious comedic snake, but I’m just not happy.”
“Why is that, Eve?” came the reply from above.

“Lord, I am lonely. And I’m sick to death of apples.”

“Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you.”

“What’s a ‘man’, Lord?”

“This man will be a flawed creature, with aggressive tendencies, an enormous ego and an inability to empathize or listen to you properly. All in all, he’ll give you a hard time. But, he’ll be bigger, faster and more muscular than you. He’ll also need your advice to think properly. He’ll be really good at fighting and kicking a ball about, hunting fleet-footed ruminants, and not altogether bad in the sack.”

“Sounds great,” says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow. “What’s the catch, Lord?”

“Yeah, well…. you can have him on one condition.”

“What’s that, Lord?”

“You’ll have to let him believe that I made him first.”

The Mommy test

2010-04-03T20:58:00.000-07:00

I was out walking with my 4 year old daughter. She picked up something off the ground and started to put it in her mouth. I took the item away from her and I asked her not to do that. “Why?” my daughter asked.

“Because it’s been on the ground, you don’t know where it’s been, it’s dirty and probably has germs” I replied. At this point, my daughter looked at me with total admiration and asked, “Mommy, how do you know all this stuff? You are so smart.”

I was thinking quickly. “All moms know this stuff. It’s on the Mommy Test. You have to know it, or they don’t let you be a Mommy.”

We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but she was evidently pondering this new information.

“OH…I get it!” she beamed, “So if you don’t pass the test you have to be the daddy.”

“Exactly” I replied back with a big smile on my face.

When you’re finished laughing, send this to a Mom.

Never argue with a woman

2010-04-02T20:47:00.000-07:00

One morning, a husband returns the family boat to their lakeside cottage after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, puts her feet up, and begins to read her book. The peace and solitude are magnificent.

Along comes a Fish and Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, “Good morning, Ma’am. What are you doing?”

“Reading a book,” she replies, (thinking, “Isn’t that obvious?”).

“You’re in a Restricted Fishing Area,” he informs her.

“I’m sorry, officer, but I’m not fishing. I’m reading.”

“Yes, but I see you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I’ll have to take you in and write you up.”

“If you do that, I’ll have to charge you with sexual assault,” says the woman.

“But I haven’t even touched you,” says the Game Warden.

“That’s true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment.”

“Have a nice day ma’am,” and he left.

MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It’s likely she can also think.

Onions and Christmas tree

2010-03-29T20:42:00.000-07:00

A family is sitting around the supper table. The son asks his father, “Dad, how many kinds of breasts are there?

The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, there are three kinds of breasts. In her twenties, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit.

After fifty, they are like onions.”

“Onions?”

“Yes, you see them and they make you cry.”

This infuriated the wife and daughter. So the daughter said ” Mom, how many kinds of penises are there?”

The mother, surprised, smiles and looks at her daughter and answers, “Well dear, a man goes through three phases. In a man’s twenties, his penis is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his thirties and forties, it is a birch, flexible but reliable. After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree.”

“A Christmas tree?”

“Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are for decoration only!”

Q and A

2010-03-27T20:42:00.000-07:00

Q: Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
A: They don’t stop and ask for directions.

Q: Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking?
A: They all already have boyfriends.

Q: How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes?
A: Both of them.

Q: What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
A: A widow.

Q: Why did the man cross the road?
A: He heard the chicken was a slut.

Q: Why don’t women blink during foreplay?
A: Not enough time.

Q: How does a man prove his ability to plan for the future?
A: By buying a case of beer.

Q: What is the difference between men and government bonds?
A: The bonds mature.

Q: Why are blonde jokes so short?
A: So men can remember them.

Q: When do you care for a man’s company?
A: When he owns it.

Q: How do you get a man to do sit-ups?
A: Put the remote control between his toes.

Q: What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common?
A: They’re married.

Q: How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
A: We don’t know, it’s never happened.

Q: Why are married women heavier than single Women?
A: Single women come home, see what’s in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what’s in bed and go to the fridge.

The bargain

2010-03-11T20:37:00.000-08:00

To set this up, I’ve been married for nearly 25 years. The other day I took a look at my wife said, “Honey, 25 years ago we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV… but I got to sleep with a hot 25 year old blonde every night.”

“Now, we have a $300,000.00 house, a $50,000.00 car, a nice big bed and plasma screen TV… but I’m sleeping with a 50-year-old woman. It seems to me that you’re not holding up your side of things.”

Now my wife is a very reasonable woman . She told me to go out and find a hot 25 year-old blonde and she would make sure that I would once again be “living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.”

Aren’t older women grand? They really know how to solve your mid-life crisis!

Pleasing a woman

2010-03-08T20:13:00.000-08:00

A new, special kind of store just opened up in a Manhattan shopping center. This store sells husbands, yes that’s right - women can browse men from floors of choices.

Actually, there are 6 floors of men, and with an increase in the floor level bringing an positive attributes… a nifty setup - with a catch. As you open the door to any floor, you may choose a man from that floor but if you go up, you cannot go back down except to exit the building. Interesting, right?

So a young woman goes to the shopping center to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 - These men have jobs. The woman reads the sign and says to herself, “Well, that’s better than my last boyfriend, but I wonder what’s further up?” So up she goes.

The second floor sign reads: Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids. The woman remarks to herself, “That’s great, but I wonder what’s further up?” And up she goes again.

The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids and are extremely good looking. “Hmmm, better” she says. “But I wonder what’s upstairs?”

The fourth floor sign reads: Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking and help with the housework. “Wow!” exclaims the woman, “very tempting. BUT, there must be more further up!” And again she heads up another flight.

The fifth floor sign reads: Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak. “Oh, mercy me! But just think… what must be awaiting me further on?” So up to the sixth floor she goes.

The sixth floor sign reads: Floor 6 - You are visitor 7,548,652 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor only exists as proof that women are impossible to please.

Phenomenal Woman

2010-03-04T20:11:00.000-08:00

Pretty women wonder where my secrets lie
I'm not cute or built to suit a fashion model's size
But when I start to tell them,
They think I'm telling lies.
I say,
It's in the reach of my arms
The span of my hips,
The stride of my step,
The curl of my lips.
I'm a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.
I walk into a room
Just as cool as you please,
And to a man,
The fellows stand or
Fall down on their knees.
Then they swarm around me,
A hive of honey bees.
I say,
It's the fire in my eyes,
And the flash of my teeth,
The swing in my waist,
And the joy in my feet.
I'm a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.
Men themselves have wondered
What they see in me.
They try so much
But they can't touch
My inner mystery.
When I try to show them
They say they still can't see.
I say,
It's in the arch of my back,
The sun of my smile,
The ride of my breasts,
The grace of my style.
I'm a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman
That's me.
Now you understand
Just why my head's not bowed.
I don't shout or jump about
Or have to talk real loud.
When you see me passing
It ought to make you proud.
I say,
It's in the click of my heels,
The bend of my hair,
the palm of my hand,
The need of my care,
'Cause I'm a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That's me

—
-Maya Angelou

Deep Thoughts about Women

2010-02-25T20:13:00.000-08:00

Does a clean house indicate that there is a broken computer in it?

Why is it that no matter what colour of bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?

Is there ever a day when mattresses are NOT on sale?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with the hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give their vacuum one more chance?

How do those dead bugs get into closed light fixtures?

Why do we wash BATH towels? Aren't we clean when we use them? If not then what was the purpose of the bath?

Considering all the lint you get in your dryer, if you kept drying your clothes would they eventually just disappear?

When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say 'It's all right'? It isn't all right, so why don't we say, 'That hurt, you stupid idiot?'

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

Is it true that the only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the road the stuff is placed?

In winter, why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

Why do women always ask questions that have no right answers?

Why do old men wear their pants higher than younger men?

Why is it that inside every older person is a younger person wondering what the heck happened?

If diamonds are a girl's best friend and a dog is man's best friend, who really is the dumber sex?

Why are the needy only thought of during the holidays? Aren't they just as needy throughout the rest of the year?

Why is it that men can react to broken bones as 'just a sprain' and deep wounds as 'just a scratch,' but when they get the sniffles they are deathly ill 'with the flu' and have to be bedridden for weeks?

How come we never hear any father-in-law jokes?

Why do men forget everything and women remember everything?

Do Chinese people get hungry an hour after they eat American food?

Shouldn't all married men forget their mistakes? After all there's no sense in two people remembering the same things right?

Is the real reason women live longer then men because they don't have to live with women?

If at first you don't succeed, shouldn't you try doing it like your wife told you to?

Courses for Women

2010-02-20T20:10:00.000-08:00

1. Silence, the Final Frontier: Where No Woman Has Gone Before

2. The Undiscovered Side of Banking: Making Deposits

3. Parties: Going Without New Outfits

4. Man Management: Minor Household Chores Can Wait until After The Game

5. Bathroom Etiquette I: Men Need Space in the Bathroom Cabinet Too.

6. Bathroom Etiquette II: His Razor is His

7. Communication Skills I: Tears - The Last Resort, not the First

8. Communication Skills II: Thinking Before Speaking

9. Communication Skills III: Getting What you Want Without Nagging

10. Driving a Car Safely: A Skill You CAN Acquire

11. Telephone Skills: How to Hang Up

12. Introduction to Parking

13. Advanced Parking: Backing Into a Space

14. Water Retention: Fact or Fat

15. Cooking I: Bringing Back Bacon, Eggs and Butter

16. Cooking II: Bran and Tofu are Not for Human Consumption

17. Cooking III: How not to Inflict Your Diets on Other People

18. Compliments: Accepting Them Gracefully

19. PMS: Your Problem . .. . Not His

20. Dancing: Why Men Don't Like To

21. Classic Clothing: Wearing Outfits You Already Have

22. Household Dust: A Harmless Natural Occurrence Only Women Notice

23. Integrating Your Laundry: Washing It All Together

24. Oil and Petrol: Your Car Needs Both (not just tissues and air

25. TV remote controls are for men Only

26. Getting ready to go out: Start the day before. Please register immediately as courses are in great demand!

Top 10 Things Only Women Understand

2010-02-12T20:11:00.000-08:00

10. Why it's good to have five pairs of black shoes.

9. The difference between cream, ivory, and off-white.

8. Crying can be fun.

7. FAT CLOTHES.

6. A salad, diet drink, and a hot fudge sundae make a balanced lunch.

5. Discovering a designer dress on the clearance rack can be considered a peak life experience.

4. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made.

3. A good man might be hard to find, but a good hairdresser is next to impossible.

2. Why a phone call between two women never lasts under ten minutes.

AND THE NUMBER ONE THING ONLY WOMEN UNDERSTAND:

1. OTHER WOMEN!

Words Women Use

2010-02-01T20:05:00.000-08:00

FINE
This is the word we use at the end of any argument that we feel we are right about but need to shut you up.

NEVER use fine to describe how a woman looks. This will cause you to have one of those arguments.

FIVE MINUTES
This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so I feel that it's an even trade.

NOTHING
This means something and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an
argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with the word "Fine."

GO AHEAD (with raised eyebrows)
This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine."

GO AHEAD (normal eyebrows)
This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care." You will get a raised eyebrow "Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes"
when she cools off.

LOUD SIGH
This is not actually a word, but is still often a verbal statement very misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and
arguing with you over "Nothing."

SOFT SIGH
Again, not a word, but a verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" are one of the few things that some men actually understand. She is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe and she will stay content.

THAT'S OKAY
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can say to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you retributions for whatever it is that you have done. "That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and used in conjunction with a raised eyebrow "Go Ahead." At some point in the near future when she has plotted and planned, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.

PLEASE DO
This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance to tell the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay."

THANKS
A woman is thanking you. Do not faint, just say you're welcome.

THANKS A LOT
This is much different from "Thanks." A woman will say, "Thanks A Lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have hurt her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh." Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh," as she will only tell you "Nothing."

Very Smart Women

2010-01-22T20:03:00.000-08:00

1. I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde. -Dolly Parton

2. You see a lot of smart guys with dumb women, but you hardly ever see a smart woman with a dumb guy. -Erica Jong

3. I want to have children, but my friends scare me. One of my friends told me she was in labor for 36 hours. I don't even want to do anything that feels good for 36 hours. -Rita Rudner

4. My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can't decide whether to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives. -Rita Rudner

5. I've been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog. -Wendy Liebman

6. Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth. -Erma Bombeck

7. If high heels were so wonderful, men would still be wearing 'em. -Sue Grafton

8. I'm not going to vacuum 'til Sears makes one you can ride on. -Roseanne Barr

9. I think, therefore I'm single. -Lizz Winstead

Santa Claus is NOT a Woman

2010-01-20T20:01:00.000-08:00

There is absolutely NO way Santa is female. Here's why:

First, Christmas would be late every year. The line at the department store would never move because Santa would feel the need to "bond" with every kid that sat on her lap. The elves would never get any toys made because they'd be too busy telling her, "No Santa, those red pants do not make you look fat."

What woman would be caught dead in a chimney? Gosh, she might break a nail in there. Also, men don't care if they would get covered with ashes and soot while sliding down the chimney.

And what about Santa's beard? I'm sure you'll agree that most women look significantly better without facial hair. Besides, she-Santa would not go out without makeup.

If Santa was female, she sure wouldn't have white hair. And she would never wear a hat because it would mess up her hair.

The tradition is for cookies and milk to be left for Santa on Christmas Eve. If Santa were a woman, the tradition would be chocolates and Latte's.
Also, a male Santa would judiciously takes a bite from each cookie to prove he was there. If Santa was a woman, the whole darn box of Snackwells would be devoured and there'd be a sea of empty Ben & Jerry's containers all over the kitchen floor.

Santa doesn't need to ask directions. A female Santa would get her directions from landmarks. Up in the sky there are no landmarks and no place to ask directions. Besides, she-Santa would never go out driving in the snow and rain at night. She would make Mr. Claus do it and then complain about the way he drove.

She-Santa would never say "HO HO HO". She would analyze it too much and think it was somehow demeaning.

Would any self respecting female Santa really be seen wearing the SAME outfit year after year? No, she would have to have a new one each year. And red would not be the color. It would be more like pink or purple.

She-Santa would not clean up the mess that the deer make. Like you are going to make the deer wait until they get back to the North Pole? Men have years of training with dogs.

Yup, Santa's a guy alright!

Computer Gender

2010-01-02T20:00:00.000-08:00

Why computers should be considered masculine:

1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.

2. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.

3. They are supposed to help you solve your problems, but half the time they ARE the problem.

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you could have had a better model.

Why computers should be feminine:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.

3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

Woman & Cats

2009-12-30T19:57:00.000-08:00

I've never understood why women love cats. Cats are independent, they don't listen, they don't come in when you call, they like to stay out all night, and when they're home they like to be left alone and sleep.

In other words, every quality that women hate in a man, they love in a cat.

Hunting Flies

2009-12-21T19:54:00.000-08:00

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

"Hunting Flies," he responded.

"Oh!, Killed any?" she asked.

"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.

Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?"

He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."

pregnancy

2009-12-19T07:50:00.000-08:00

Women's Profound Sayings

2009-12-13T19:49:00.000-08:00

Reason to smile: Every 7 minutes of every day, someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.

One of life's mysteries is how a 2 pound box of candy can make a woman gain 5 lbs.

The best way to forget all your troubles is to wear tight shoes.

The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don't know what you're doing, someone else does.

The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight because by then, your body and your fat are really good friends.

I gave up jogging for my health when my thighs kept rubbing together and setting my pantyhose on fire.

Amazing! You hang something in your closet for awhile and it shrinks two sizes!

Skinny people irritate me! Especially when they say things like, "You know, sometimes I just forget to eat." Now I've forgotten my address, my mother's maiden name, and my keys. But I've never forgotten to eat. You have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat.

A friend of mine confused her valium with her birth control pills. She had 14 kids, but she doesn't really care.

The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing ... and then they marry him!

I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are: eating too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That is my idea of a perfect day.

I know what Victoria's Secret is. The secret is that nobody older than 30 can fit into their stuff.

If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a noose around your neck?

Prayer

2009-12-07T19:47:00.000-08:00

One day three men were walking along and came upon a raging, violent river. They needed to get to the other side, but had no idea of how to do it.

The first man prayed to God saying, "Please God, give me the strength to cross this river." Poof! God gave him big arms and strong legs, and he was able to swim across the river in about two hours.

Seeing this, the second man prayed to God saying, "Please God, give me the strength and ability to cross this river." Poof! God gave him a rowboat and he was able to row across the river in about three hours.

The third man had seen how this worked out for the other two, so he also prayed to God saying, "Please God, give me the strength, ability, and intelligence to cross this river." And Poof! God turned him into a woman. She looked at the map, then walked across the bridge.

The Power of Woman

2009-11-23T19:47:00.000-08:00

There were 11 people - ten men and one woman - hanging onto a rope that came down from a helicopter.

They all decided that one person should get off, because if they didn't, the rope would break and everyone would die.

No one could decide who should go, so finally, the woman gave a really touching speech saying how she would give up her life to save the others, because women were used to giving up things for their husbands and children, giving in to men, and not receiving anything in return.

When she finished speaking, all the men started clapping.

Brain Transplant

2009-11-20T19:43:00.000-08:00

In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their family member lay gravely ill.

Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber. I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news,' he said as he surveyed the worried faces. 'The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It's an experimental procedure, semi-risky and you will have to pay for the brain yourselves.'

The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a great length of time, someone asked, 'Well, how much does a brain cost?'

The Doctor quickly responded, '$25,000 for a male brain, and $3,000 for a female brain.'

The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked. A man, unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask, 'Why is the male brain so much more?'

The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and said to the entire group, 'It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the price of the female brains, because they've actually been used.

Discoveries

2009-11-11T19:45:00.000-08:00

Man discovered weapons, invented hunting.
Woman discovered hunting, invented furs.

Man discovered colors, invented painting.
Woman discovered painting, invented make-up.

Man discovered speech, invented conversation.
Woman discovered conversation, invented gossip.

Man discovered agriculture, invented food.
Woman discovered food, invented diet.

Man discovered friendship, invented love.
Woman discovered love, invented marriage.

Man discovered woman, invented sex.
Woman discovered sex, invented headache.

Man discovered trade, invented money.
Woman discovered money, man was all screwed up after that.

The Female Rules

2009-11-02T19:42:00.000-08:00

1. The Female always makes THE RULES.

2. THE RULES are subject to change without notice.

3. No Male can possibly know all THE RULES.

4. If the Female suspects the Male knows all THE RULES, she must immediately change some of THE RULES.

5. The Female is never wrong.

6. If it appears the Female is wrong, it is because of a flagrant misunderstanding caused by something the Male did or said wrong.

7. If Rule #6 applies, the Male must apologize immediately for causing the misunderstanding.

8. The Female can change her mind at any time.

9. The Male must never change his mind without the express written consent of The Female.

10. The Female has every right to be angry or upset at any time.

11. The Male must remain calm at all times, unless the Female wants him to be angry or upset.

12. The Female must, under no circumstances, let the Male know whether she wants him to be angry or upset.

13. The Male is expected to read the mind of the Female at all times.

14. At all times, what is important is what the Female meant, not what she said.

15. If the Male doesn't abide by THE RULES, it is because he can't take the heat, lacks backbone, and is a wimp.

16. If the Female has PMS, all THE RULES are null and void and the Male must cater to her every whim.

17. If the Male, at any time, believes he is right, he must refer to Rule #5.

Lost & Found

2009-10-25T19:38:00.000-07:00

As the bus pulled away, I realized I had left my purse under the seat. Later I called the company and was relieved that the driver had found my bag. When I went to pick it up, several off-duty bus drivers surrounded me. One man handed me my pocketbook, two typewritten pages and a box containing the contents of my purse. "We're required to inventory lost wallets and purses," he explained. "I think you'll find everything there."

As I started to put my belongings back into the pocketbook, the man continued, "I hope you don't mind if we watch. Even though we all tried, none of us could fit everything into your purse. And we'd like to see just how you do it."

Kiss per Yard

2009-10-22T19:36:00.000-07:00

Walking up to a department store's fabric counter, a pretty girl asked, "I want to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?"

"Only one kiss per yard," replied the smirking male clerk.

"That's fine," replied the girl. "I'll take ten yards."

With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk quickly measured out and wrapped the cloth, then teasingly held it out.

The girl snapped up the package and pointed to a little old man standing beside her. "Grandpa will pay the bill," she smiled.

Rules for women

2009-10-21T19:33:00.000-07:00

We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us griping about you leaving it down.

2. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present yet again!

3. Sometimes we are not thinking about you. Live with it.

4. Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

5. Don't cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that married women always cut their hair, and by then you're stuck with her.

6. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

7. Crying is blackmail.

8. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

9. We don't remember dates. Mark birthdays and anniversaries on a calendar. Remind us frequently beforehand.

10. Most guys own three pairs of shoes - tops. What makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty,
would look good with your dress?

11. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

12. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

13. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

14. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

15. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. We refuse to answer.

16. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

17. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

18. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

19. Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.

20. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out. Get over it. And quit whining to your girlfriends.

21. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

22. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

23. We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.

24. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

25. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

26. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.

27. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.

28. You have enough clothes.

29. You have too many shoes.

30. Foreign films are best left to foreigners. (Unless it's Bruce Lee or some war flick where it doesn't really matter what they're saying anyway.)

31. It is neither in your best interest or ours to take the quiz together. No, it doesn't matter which quiz.

32. I am in shape. ROUND is a shape.

33. Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know we really don't mind that, it's like camping.

Ladies Bumper Stickers

2009-10-20T19:32:00.000-07:00

1. SO MANY MEN, SO FEW WHO CAN AFFORD ME.

2. GOD MADE US SISTERS, PROZAC MADE US FRIENDS.

3. IF THEY DON'T HAVE CHOCOLATE IN HEAVEN, I AIN'T GOING.

4. MY MOTHER IS A TRAVEL AGENT FOR GUILT TRIPS.

5. PRINCESS, HAVING HAD SUFFICIENT EXPERIENCE WITH PRINCES, SEEKS FROG.

6. COFFEE, CHOCOLATE, MEN ... SOME THINGS ARE JUST BETTER RICH.

7. DON'T TREAT ME ANY DIFFERENTLY THAN YOU WOULD THE QUEEN.

8. IF YOU WANT BREAKFAST IN BED, SLEEP IN THE KITCHEN.

9. DINNER IS READY WHEN THE SMOKE ALARM GOES OFF.

10. I'M OUT OF ESTROGEN - AND I HAVE A GUN.

11. GUYS HAVE FEELINGS TOO. BUT LIKE...WHO CARES?

12. NEXT MOOD SWING: 6 MINUTES.

13. AND YOUR POINT IS?

14. WARNING: I HAVE AN ATTITUDE AND I KNOW HOW TO USE IT.

15. OF COURSE I DON'T LOOK BUSY...I DID IT RIGHT THE FIRST TIME.

16. DO NOT START WITH ME. YOU WILL NOT WIN.

17. YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT, SO PLEASE SHUT UP.

18. ALL STRESSED OUT AND NO ONE TO CHOKE.

19. I'M ONE OF THOSE BAD THINGS THAT HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE.

20. HOW CAN I MISS YOU IF YOU WON'T GO AWAY?

21. SORRY IF I LOOKED INTERESTED. I'M NOT.

22. IF WE ARE WHAT WE EAT, I'M FAST, CHEAP AND EASY.

23. DON'T UPSET ME! I'M RUNNING OUT OF PLACES TO HIDE THE BODIES.

Top Ten Things That Men Understand About Women

2009-10-19T07:32:00.000-07:00

1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10.

Go and multiply

2009-09-22T19:31:00.000-07:00

Male or female?

2009-09-21T19:29:00.000-07:00

From the Washington Post Style Invitation, in which it was postulated that English should have male and female nouns, and readers were asked to assign a gender to nouns of their choice and explain their reason.

The best submissions:

SWISS ARMY KNIFE: Male, because even though it appears useful for a wide variety of work, it spends most of its time just opening bottles.

KIDNEYS: Female, because they always go to the bathroom in pairs.

TIRE: Male, because it goes bald and often is over-inflated.

HOT AIR BALLOON: Male, because to get it to go anywhere you have to light a fire under it... and, of course, there's the hot air part.

SPONGES: Female, because they are soft and squeezable and retain water.

MAGIC 8 BALL: Male, because it gives monosyllabic answers that usually
indicate it did not pay attention to your question.

WEB PAGE: Female, because it is always getting hit on.

SHOE: Male, because it is usually unpolished, with its tongue hanging out.

ZIPLOC BAGS: Male, because they hold everything in, but you can always see right through them.

SUBWAY: Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.

HOURGLASS: Female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.

HAMMER: Male, because it hasn't evolved much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.

SUBWAY: Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick up people.

REMOTE CONTROL: Female...Ha!...you thought I'd say male. But consider, it gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying.

CRITIC: Female, What, this needs to be explained?

Noun genders

2009-09-20T19:29:00.000-07:00

a woman's worth

2009-08-20T10:18:00.000-07:00

In a brief conversation, a man asked a woman he was pursuing the question "What kind of man are you looking for?"

She sat quietly for a moment before looking him in the eye and asking "Do you really want to know?" Reluctantly, he said "Yes."

She began to expound..." As a woman in this day and age, I am in a position to ask a man what he can do for me that I can't do for myself. I pay my own bills. I take care of my household with out the help of any man...or woman for that matter. I am in the position to ask "What can you bring to the table?"

The man looked at her. Clearly he thought that she was referring to money. She quickly corrected his thought and stated "I am not referring to money. I need something more. I need a man who is striving for perfection in every aspect of life." He sat back in his chair, folded his arms, and asked her to explain.

She said, "I am looking for someone who is striving for perfection mentally because I need conversation and mental stimulation. I don't need a simple minded man.

I am looking for someone who is striving for perfection spiritually because I don't need to be unequally yoked...believers mixed with unbelievers is a recipe for disaster.

I need a man who is striving for perfection financially because I don't need a financial burden. I am looking for someone who is sensitive enough to understand what I go through as a woman but strong enough to keep me grounded.

I am looking for someone who I can respect. In order to be submissive, I must respect him. I cannot be submissive to a man who isn't taking care of his business. I have no problem being submissive...he just has to be worthy. God made woman to be a help mate for man. I can't help a man if he can't help himself."

When she finished her spill, she looked at him. He sat there with a puzzled look on his face. He said "You are asking a lot."

She replied "I'm worth a lot."

Quotes from Sex in the City...

2009-08-12T21:00:00.000-07:00

1. If a man wants you, nothing can keep him away. If he doesn't want you, nothing can make him stay.

2. Stop making excuses for a man and his behavior.

3. If you have ANY doubt in your mind about a man's character, leave him alone.

4. Allow your intuition (or spirit) to save you from heartache.

5. Stop trying to change yourself for a relationship that's not meant to be.

6. Don't force an attraction.

7. Slower is better.

8. Never live your life for a man before you find what makes you truly happy.

9. If a relationship ends because the man was not treating you as you deserve then heck no you can't "be friends." A friend wouldn't mistreat a friend.

10. Have faith in God regarding your relationship, but don't let faith make you stupid. God does things decent and in order.

11. Don't settle.

12. If you feel like he is stringing you along, then he probably is.

13. If he keeps changing his mind about the relationship--take that as a BIG sign that he is unstable. Do you really want to be with a man like that?

14. Don't stay because you think "it will get better." You'll be mad at yourself a year later for staying when things are not better.

15. Honorable men take care of their business and aren't involved in a whole lot of mess.

16. The only person you can control in a relationship is you.

17. There's only one 'reason' a man dumps you; he doesn't want you.

18. Avoid men who've got a bunch of children by a bunch of different women. He didn't marry them when he got them pregnant, why would he treat you any differently?

19. You really do have to kiss a few frogs before finding the prince.

20. Always put yourself and your happiness first.

21. Always have your own set of friends separate from his.

22. Maintain boundaries in how a guy treats you. If something bothers you, speak up.

23. If he doesn't call, he just isn't that interested.

24. Be honest and upfront.

25. Know when to cut the cord, don't be strung along.

26. Don't fall for the "I'm confused role". Remove yourself from the situation to let him figure things out (but don't wait for him, move on.

27. If you want to have a clue as to how he will treat you, watch how he treats the WOMEN in his family (not just mom).

28. There's more than physical abuse, there's emotional and mental abuse. If he causes any of them...flee.

29. You cannot change a man's behaviors. Change comes from within.

30. Don't let him pla! ce rules on you that he is not willing to follow himself -- double-standard.

31. Don't EVER make him feel he is more important than you are...even if he has more education or in a better job.

32. Do not make him into a quasi-god. He is a man, nothing more nothing less.

33. Demand respect and if he can't give it, he can't have you!

34. Don't compete with other woman, but be aware that men are attracted to what they see.

35. If you think he is cheating, he probably is. Confront him right away and if you feel he's lying,
let him go.

36. Actions speak louder than words.

37. Never let a man define who you are.

38. Never rely on a man for compliments, look to yourself for that.

39. Never borrow someone else's man.

40. If he cheated with you, he'll cheat on you.

41. Just because he says he loves you, doesn't mean that he won't hurt you and it doesn't mean that you are meant to be with him.

42. To use painful hard-won wisdom -- 'get it right' the next time.

43. Know that you deserve to be the number one person in the life of the #1person in your life.

44. Love is a verb ...

45. Learn to give up your lifelong task of trying to make someone unavailable-available, someone ungiving-giving, and someone unloving-loving.

46. A man will only treat you the way you ALLOW him to treat you.

47. All men are NOT dogs.

48. You should not be the one doing all the bending...compromise is a two way street.

49. If you don't love yourself...you can't love anyone else.

50. You cannot mend someone else's broken heart.

51. You need time to heal between relationships...there is nothing cute about baggage...deal with your issues before pursuing a new relationship.

52. You should never look for someone to COMPLETE you...a relationship consists of two WHOLE individuals...look for someone complementary...not supplementary.

53. Dating is fun...even if he doesn't turn out to be Mr. Right.

54. NEVER give more in a relationship than you are getting out of it.

55. Never become your man's "therapist".

56. When actions and words conflict, believe the actions. Respond to the actions.

57. A ! real healthy relationship requires two people. One person can end it - but it takes two to make it work.

58. Don't fall for the "I'm not the loving type"...when a man loves you there is nothing in this world (within reason) that he wouldn't do for you.

59. Make him miss you sometimes...when a man always know where you are, and you're always readily available to him he takes it for granted.

60. Give him his space...let him go out with his boys, don't pressure him to spend time with you, You cant force a man to hang out with you.

61. If you wouldn't allow your daughter to be with him you shouldn't.

62. Never let a man know everything. He will use it against you later.

63. Never move into his mother's house.

64. Provide financially for yourself and don't depend on anyone.

65. Never co-sign for a man.

66. Never believe you have the perfect guy and he is so innocent.

67.! Never spoil your man; let him spoil you.

68. Never let a man mess up your credit.

69. When it's time to let go; let go.

70. Good men should be treated like good men.

71. Don't play games.

72. Don't fully commit to a man who doesn't give you everything that you need.

73. Keep him in your radar but get to know others.

74. Compatibility in terms of educational attainment, values, beliefs, personal and career goals, and socioeconomic status, are important.

75. Never date a guy who wears colored contacts.

Mathematics

2009-08-08T18:27:00.000-07:00

Romance Math
Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy

Shopping Math
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.

General Equations and Statistics
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

Happiness
To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and try not to understand her at all.

Propensity to change
A woman marries a man expecting he will change but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.

Discussion Technique
A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument

Misconceptions

2009-08-03T09:59:00.000-07:00

Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have body fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain... Good

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO... Cocoabeans... another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets and remember, "Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - strawberries in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and screaming - WOO HOO! What a Ride!"

BRA codes

2009-07-23T09:52:00.000-07:00

The Greatest Pieces of Advice

2009-07-21T09:50:00.000-07:00

Don't date because you are desperate.
Don't marry because you are miserable.
Don't have kids because you think your genes are superior.
Don't philander because you think you are irresistible.

Don't associate with people you can't trust.
Don't cheat. Don't lie. Don't pretend.
Don't dictate because you are smarter.
Don't demand because you are stronger.

Don't sleep around because you think you are old enough and know better.
Don't hurt your kids because loving them is harder.
Don't sell yourself, your family, or your ideals.
Don't stagnate.

Don't regress.
Don't live in the past. Time can't bring anything or anyone back.
Don't put your life on hold for possibly Mr/Mrs Right.
Don't throw your life away on absolutely Mr Wrong because your biological clock is ticking.

Learn a new skill.
Find a new friend.
Start a new career.
Sometimes, there is no race to be won.
Only a price to be paid for some of life's more hasty decisions.

To terminate your loneliness, reach out to the homeless.
To feed your nurturing instincts, care for the needy.
To fulfill your parenting fantasies, get a puppy.
Don't bring another life into this world for all the wrong reasons.

To make yourself happy, pursue your passions and be the best of what you can be.
Simplify your life. Take away the clutter.
Get rid of destructive elements: abusive friends, nasty habits, and dangerous liaisons.
Don't abandon your responsibilities but don't overdose on duty.

Don't live life recklessly without thought and feeling for your family.
Be true to yourself.
Don't commit when you are not ready.
Don't keep others waiting needlessly.

Go on that trip. Don't postpone it.
Say those words. Don't let the moment pass.
Do what you have to, even at society's scorn.

Write poetry.
Love Deeply.
Walk barefoot.
Dance with wild abandon.
Cry at the movies.

Take care of yourself.
Don't wait for someone to take care of you.
You light up your life.
You drive yourself to your destination.
No one completes you - except YOU.

It is true that life does not get easier with age.
It only gets more challenging.
Don't be afraid.
Don't lose your capacity to love.
Pursue your passions.

Live your dreams.
Don't lose faith in your God.
Don't grow old. Just grow YOU!

"Doing easily what others find difficult is talent; doing what is impossible for talent is genius."

Woman waiting for the perfect guy

2009-07-02T09:45:00.000-07:00

differences

2009-06-25T09:40:00.000-07:00

1. NAMES
If Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara go out for lunch, they will call each other Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara.

If Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Scrappy.
2. EATING OUT
When the bill arrives, Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.

When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

3. MONEY
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.

A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.

4. BATHROOMS
A man has five items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Marriott.

The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

5. ARGUMENTS
A woman has the last word in any argument.

Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

6. CATS
Women love cats.

Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.

7. FUTURE
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

8. SUCCESS
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

9. MARRIAGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.

10. DRESSING UP
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.

A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

11. NATURAL
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.

Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

12. OFFSPRING
A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.

A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

13. THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
Any married man should forget his mistakes.
There's no use in two people remembering the same thing.

A Train Ride Mystery

2009-06-20T09:34:00.000-07:00

The story is told of four people who shared a berth in a train going from Paris to Madrid: a beautiful young woman travelling with her grandmother, and a handsome young army lieutenant who was with his commanding officer.

On the way the train passed through a tunnel, and the train became pitch black. Suddenly, in the darkness there was a sound of a kissfollowed by a slap. When the train emerged from the tunnel, the four sat stone faced as if nothing had happened.

The beautiful young woman thought to herself, "That was a wonderful kiss, but my grandmother must have slapped his face and he probably thinks I did it and he won't pay attention to me again."

The grandmother thinks, "That's a fresh thing for that man to kiss my grand daughter. I'm sure glad she stood up for herself, I'm sure it will teach him a lesson."

The commanding officer thought, "This is terrible, she must have thought that I was the one who kissed her, wait until I get back to the base, I'm really going to give my lieutenant a piece of my mind."

And the handsome young lieutenant thought, "This was my day. I got to kiss a beautiful woman and slap my boss and get away with both!"

WOMEN AS EXPLAINED BY ENGINEERS

2009-06-10T09:20:00.000-07:00

Part IPart II

Part III
Part IV
Part V

Aging like wine

2009-05-29T09:07:00.000-07:00

Andy Rooney wrote this for CBS 60 Minutes.

Andy says:
As I grow in age, I value women who are over 30 most of all.

Here are just a few reasons why:

A woman over 30 will never wake you in the middle of the night to ask, "What are you thinking?" She doesn't care what you think.

If a woman over 30 doesn't want to watch the game, she doesn't sit around whining about it. She does something she wants to do. And, it's usually something more interesting.

A woman over 30 knows herself well enough to be assured in who she is, what she is, what she wants and from whom. Few women past the age of 30 give a hoot what you might think about her or what she's doing.

Women over 30 are dignified. They seldom have a screaming match with you at the opera or in the middle of an expensive restaurant. Of course, if you deserve it, they won't hesitate to shoot you, if they think they can get away with it.

Older women are generous with praise, often undeserved. They know what it's like to be unappreciated.

A woman over 30 has the self-assurance to introduce you to her women friends. A younger woman with a man will often ignore even her best friend because she doesn't trust the guy with other women.

Women over 30 couldn't care less if you're attracted to her friends because she knows her friends won't betray her. Women get psychic as they age. You never have to confess your sins to a woman over 30. They always know.

A woman over 30 looks good wearing bright red lipstick. This is not true of younger women. Once you get past a wrinkle or two, a woman over 30 is far sexier than her younger counterpart. Older women are forthright and honest. They'll tell you right off if you are a jerk or if you are acting like one!

You don't ever have to wonder where you stand with her. Yes, we praise women over 30 for a multitude of reasons. Unfortunately, it's not reciprocal.

For every stunning, smart, well-coiffed hot woman of 30+, there is a bald, paunchy relic in yellow pants making a fool of himself with some 22-year-old waitress.

Ladies, I apologize. For all those men who say, "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free" - here's an update for you. Nowadays 80% of women are against marriage, why? Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire Pig, just to get a little sausage...

Reasons to like a woman...

2009-05-24T08:55:00.000-07:00

What women really want

2009-05-02T08:49:00.000-07:00

Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question.Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer and, If after a year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death.

The question was: What do women really want?

Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, And to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than death,He accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end. He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone: The princess, the priests, the wise men, and even the court jester. He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer. Many people advised him to consult the old witch, For only she would have the answer.

But the price would be high as the witch was famous through out the Kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged. The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer the question, but he would have to agree to her price first. The old witch wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, The most noble of the Knights of the Round Table, And Arthur's closest friend!

Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunch-backed and hideous, had only one tooth, Smelled like sewage, made obscene noises, etc. He had never encountered such a repugnant creature in all his life. He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a terrible burden, But Lancelot, having learnt of the proposal, spoke with Arthur. He said nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life. And the preservation of the Round Table.

Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and the witch answered. Arthur's question thus: "What a woman really wants?" She said, "Is to be in charge of her own life." Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth. And that Arthur's life would be spared. And so it was. The neighboring monarch granted Arthur his freedom. And Lancelot and the witch had a wonderful wedding.

The honeymoon hour approached and, Lancelot, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But, what a sight awaited him. The most beautiful woman he had ever seen lay before him on the bed. The astounded Lancelot asked what had happened.The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she appeared as a witch, She would henceforth be her horrible and deformed self only half the time.And the beautiful maiden the other half. "Which would you prefer? She asked him. "Beautiful during the day ... or at night?"

Lancelot pondered the predicament. During the day he could have a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, But at night, in the privacy of his castle,an old witch! Or, Would he prefer having a hideous witch during the day? But by night a beautiful woman for him to enjoy with?

(If you are a man reading this...) What would YOUR choice be?

(If you are a woman reading this?) What would YOUR MAN'S choice be?

What Lancelot chose, is given below:
BUT... make YOUR choice before you scroll down ...OKAY?

Noble Lancelot, knowing the answer the witch gave Arthur to his question, He said that he would allow HER to make the choice herself. Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time. Because, he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life.

Now... what is the moral to this story?

The moral is...
1) There is witch in every woman no matter how beautiful she is!
2) If you don't let a woman have her own way, things are going to get ugly.

So, always remember: IT'S EITHER "HER WAY" OR IT'S "NO WAY" !!!

The coffee

2009-04-28T08:39:00.000-07:00

A young woman went to her mother and told her about her life and how things were so hard for her. She did not know how she was going to make it and wanted to give up. She was tired of fighting and struggling. It seemed as one problem was solved, a new one arose.

Her mother took her to the kitchen. She filled three pots with water and placed each on a high fire Soon the pots came to boil.

In the first she placed carrots, in the second she placed eggs, and in the last she placed ground coffee beans. She let them sit and boil; without saying a word.

In about twenty minutes she turned off the burners. She fished the carrots out and placed them in a bowl. She pulled the eggs out and placed them in a bowl.

Then she ladled the coffee out and placed it in a bowl. Turning to her daughter, she asked, "Tell me what you see."

"Carrots, eggs, and coffee," she replied

Her mother brought her closer and asked her to feel the carrots. She did and noted that they were soft. The mother then asked the daughter to take an egg and break it. After pulling off the shell, she observed the hard boiled egg.

Finally, the mother asked the daughter to sip the coffee. The daughter smiled as she tasted its rich aroma The daughter then asked, "What does it mean, mother?"

Her mother explained that each of these objects had faced the same adversity: boiling water. Each reacted differently.

The carrot went in strong, hard, and unrelenting. However, after being subjected to the boiling water, it softened and became weak.

The egg had been fragile. Its thin outer shell had protected its liquid interior, but after sitting through the boiling water, its inside became hardened.

The ground coffee beans were unique, however. After they were in the boiling water, they had changed the water.

"Which are you?" she asked her daughter. "When adversity knocks on your door, how do you respond? Are you a carrot, an egg or a coffee bean?

Think of this: Which am I? Am I the carrot that seems strong, but with pain and adversity do I wilt and become soft and lose my strength?

Am I the egg that starts with a malleable heart, but changes with the heat? Did I have a fluid spirit, but after a death, a breakup, a financial hardship or some other trial, have I become hardened and stiff? Does my shell look the same, but on the inside am I bitter and tough with a stiff spirit and hardened heart?

Or am I like the coffee bean? The bean actually changes the hot water, the very circumstance that brings the pain. When the water gets hot, it releases the fragrance and flavor. If you are like the bean, when things are at their worst, you get better and change the situation around you.

When the hour is the darkest and trials are their greatest, do you elevate yourself to another level? How do you handle adversity? Are you a carrot, an egg or a coffee bean?

...men

2009-04-20T08:25:00.000-07:00

This is interesting... but TRUE

Believe it or not.

Woman has Man in it;

Mrs. has Mr . in it;

Female has Male in it;

She has He in it;

Madam has Adam in it;

No wonder men always want to be inside women!

Men were born between the legs of a woman,

yet men spend all their life and time trying

to go back between the legs of a woman...., Why?

BECAUSE THERE IS NO PLACE LIKE HOME

Okay, Okay, it all makes sense now...

I never looked at it this way before:

MEN tal illness

MENstrual cramps

MEN tal breakdown

MENopause

GUY necologist

AND ...

When we have REAL trouble, it's a

HIS terectomy.

Ever notice how all of women's problems start with MEN?

Conversations...

2009-04-07T21:27:00.000-07:00

"Women are cuter animals but with bird brains", so said all the grumpy husbands. But when women have normal brains, men are in trouble.
Read these:

Conversation (1)

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.

As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."

Conversation (2)

A husband read an article to his wife about how many words each woman uses a day : ... 30,000 to a man's 15,000.

The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything because men are absent minded and not so intelligent.
The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"

Conversation (3)

A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.
"The wife responded, "Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; and stupid so I would be attracted to you!"

Conversation (4)

Husband and wife were in the midst of a violent quarrel, and hubby was losing his temper.

"Be careful," he said to his wife. "You will bring out the beast in me." "So what?" his wife shot back. "Who is afraid of a mouse?"

Conversation (5)

A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."

The husband said, " You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."

Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should brew coffee."

Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me."

So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, and indeed it says...."HEBREWS"

Peace of Mind

2009-03-03T23:55:00.000-08:00

If you were to ask your neighbor,
"What would give you peace of mind?" he might tell you,
"A vacation in Bermuda!" or
"An extra hundred grand would give me peace!", or
"A new Ferrari would make me content!"

But going places - and getting stuff - is usually a temporary solution ...

Let's say you buy a lottery ticket and by some miracle you win your dream Ferrari.
Today you are content.
Tomorrow you are saying,
"If I could just catch that little punk who scratched it in the car park!"

Peace of mind rarely comes from getting more stuff.
Getting more stuff usually leads to wanting even more stuff!

Peace of mind starts with being grateful for what you have right now.

GRATITUDE is POWER, and here's why ...

When you are thankful for what you have -
for the friends you have, and for the things you've got,
you attract more good people and good things.

People who always complain about what they DON'T HAVE, stay stuck.
Complainers attract more things to complain about!

It is a law of life.
It's hard to explain, but you can observe it around you.
We get more of what we dwell upon.

That's why all the spiritual masters have taught the same lesson ...
"Start by being thankful. Be happy with what you have now,
and more will come your way."

It's practical advice.
IN A NUTSHELL
Every time you say a silent "thank you" you become more peaceful - and more powerful.

Promises

2009-03-03T23:32:00.000-08:00

Are you sick of all those sissy "friendship" poems that always sound like Hallmark cards, and never come close to reality?

Well, here is a series of promises that really speak to true friendship:

1. When you are sad - I will help you get drunk and plot revenge against the sorry bastard who made you sad.

2. When you are blue - I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.

3. When you smile - I will know you've finally had sex.

4. When you are scared - I will rag on you about it every chance I get.

5. When you are worried - I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be and tell you to quit whining.

6. When you are confused - I will use little words.

7. When you are sick - stay the hell away from me until you are well again, I don't want whatever it is that you have.

8. When you fall - I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass.

Remember: A good friend will help you move... A really good friend will help you move a body. Let me know if I ever need to bring a shovel .

Tired???

2009-03-03T23:14:00.000-08:00

Corporate Cultures

2009-03-03T23:03:00.000-08:00

Be careful what you wish for...

2009-02-20T21:24:00.000-08:00

A married couple in their early 60s were out celebrating their 35th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant. Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table and said,
"For being such an exemplary married couple and for being faithful to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish."

"Ooh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband" said the wife.

The fairy moved her magic stick and - abracadabra! two tickets for the new QM2 luxury liner appeared in her hands.

Now it was the husbands turn. He thought for a moment and said: "Well this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this only occurs once in a lifetime, so, I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me."

The wife and the fairy were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish...

So the fairy made a circle with her magic stick and abracadabra!
-the husband became 92 years old.

The moral of this story.....

Men might be ungrateful idiots....

But fairies are......female.

From "She Said, She Said" by Gloria Adler

2009-02-19T21:11:00.000-08:00

As women today, you do face tough choices. You know the rules are basically as follows:

If you don't get married, you're abnormal.
If you get married but don't have children, you're a selfish yuppie.
If you get married and have children but then go outside the home to work, you're a bad mother.
>
If you get married and have children but stay home, you've wasted your education.
And if you don't get married but have children and work outside the home as a fictional newscaster, you get in trouble with the Vice President.- Hillary Rodham Clinton

The first time Adam had a chance he laid the blame on woman. - Nancy Astor

Men are taught to apologize for their weaknesses, women for their strengths. - Lois Wyse

When a man gives his opinion he's a man. When a woman gives her opinion she's a bitch. - Bette Davis

The top reason why God created Eve: After creating Adam, God paused for a moment and thought, "I can do better than that!"

The fact is that men need women more than women need men; and so, aware of this fact, man has sought to keep woman dependent upon him economically as the only method open to him of making himself necessary to her - Elizabeth Gould Davis

Legislation and case law still exist in some parts of the United States permitting the "passion shooting" by a husband of a wife; the reverse, of course, is known as homicide. - Diane B. Schulder, Sisterhood is Powerful, 1970

The only jobs for which no man is qualified are human incubators and wet nurse. Likewise, the only job for which no woman is or can be qualified is sperm donor. - Wilma Scott Heide

Motherhood is neither a duty nor a privilege, but simply the way that humanity can satisfy the desire for physical immortality and triumph over the fear of death. - Rebecca West

In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man; if you want anything done, ask a woman. - Margaret Thatcher

My friends were agonizing over their battle of sexes, er, words at Wendy's after the concert. "MEN came from the word WOMEN " and "No, the root word of WOMEN is MEN. " I thought: Take MEN from the word WOMEN, WO remains. You can't get anything from MEN, that's all they got :)

Once in a cabinet we had to deal with the fact that there had been an outbreak of assaults on women at night. One minister suggested a curfew: women should stay home after dark. I said, "But it's the men who are attacking the women. If there 's to be a curfew, let the men stay home, not the women". - Golda Meir

It was we, the people; not we, the white male citizens; nor yet we, the male citizens; but we, the whole people, who formed the union. Men, their rights and nothing more; women, their rights and nothing less. - Susan B. Anthony

Women who pack lunch for their kids, or take the early bus to work, or stay out late at the PTA, or spend every spare minute tending to their aging parents do not need lectures from Washington about lives. - Hillary Rodham Clinton

No matter how hard a man may labor, some woman is always in the background of his mind. She is the one reward of virtue. - Gertrude Franklin Atherton

When men talk about defense, they always claim to be protecting women and children, but they never ask the women and children what they think. - Pat Schroeder

Women have got to make the world safe for men since man have made it so darned unsafe for women.--Nancy Astor

I would venture to guess that Anon, who wrote so many poems without signing them, was often a woman. - Virginia Woolf

Women never have young minds. They are born three thousand years old. - Shelagh Delaney

For women there are, undoubtedly, great difficulties in the path, but so much the more to overcome. First, no woman should say, "I am but a woman!" But a woman! What more can you ask to be? - Maria Mitchell, US Astronomer, address to students

Reasons why Women find it hard to find Right the Man ....

2009-02-12T21:22:00.000-08:00

1.The nice men are ugly.

2.The handsome men are not nice.

3.The handsome and nice men are gay.

4.The handsome, nice and heterosexual men are married.

5.The men who are not so handsome, but are nice men, have no money.

6.The men who are not so handsome, but are nice men with money think we are only after their money.

7. The handsome men without money are after our money.

8. The handsome men, who are not so nice and somewhat heterosexual, don't think we are beautiful enough.

9. The men who think we are beautiful, that are heterosexual, somewhat nice and have money, are cowards.

10. The men who are somewhat handsome, somewhat nice and have some money and thank God are heterosexual, are shy and NEVER MAKE THE FIRST MOVE!!!!

11. The men who never make the first move, automatically lose interest in us when we take the initiative.

NOW, WHO THE HELL UNDERSTANDS MEN?

"Men are like a fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and it's our job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something you'd like to have dinner with."

Bitchology

2009-01-04T19:34:00.000-08:00

When I stand up for myself and my beliefs, they call me a bitch.

When I stand up for those I love, they call me a bitch.

When I speak my mind, think my own thoughts or do things my own way, they call me a bitch.

Being a bitch means I won't compromise what's in my heart. It means I live my life MY way. It means I won't allow anyone to step on me.

When I refuse to tolerate injustice and speak against it, I am defined as a bitch.

The same thing happens when I take time for myself instead of being everyone's maid, or when I act a little selfish.

It means I have the courage and strength to allow myself to be who I truly am and won't become anyone else's idea of what they think I "should" be.

I am outspoken, opinionated and determined. I want what I want and there is nothing wrong with that!

So try to stomp on me, try to douse my inner flame, try to squash every ounce of beauty I hold within me. You won't succeed.

And if that makes me a bitch, so be it. I embrace the title and am proud to bear it.

B - Babe
I - In
T - Total
C - Control of
H - Herself

B = Beautiful
I = Intelligent
T = Talented
C = Charming
H = Hell of a Woman

B = Beautiful
I = Individual
T = That
C = Can
H = Handle anything

Proof of Global Warming

2009-01-03T23:13:00.000-08:00

The mermaid!

2009-01-02T18:37:00.000-08:00

There were three men fishing in a boat. One felt a tug and reeled in his line. He had caught a beautiful mermaid. She squirmed and struggled and tried to break free but he wouldn't let her go.

Finally she said, "I'll give you anything you can wish for if you let me go."
"Okay," said the man, "I want my IQ doubled."
So she did and he goes off on Shakespeare and all kinds of complicated things.

The mermaid leaves but the second man grabbed her.
"Hey, I am not going to let you go until I get a wish too."
"Fine," she said, What do you want?" "I want my IQ tripled."
So she triples his IQ and he goes off solving all these problems and mathematical equations.

"I suppose you want a wish too?" the mermaid said to the last man.
"You bet I do, I want my IQ timed by 10!"
"Ummmm I don't think you do," said the mermaid. "It will change your whole aspect on life."
Although he tried to talk him out of it, that's what he wanted.

So she gave him his wish and *POOF*
He turned into a woman.